Love for the ladies

I certainly don't want to give the false impression that this blog is going to turn into yet another celeb column, but there's something else going on in the entertainment world right now that's really bugging me. It's this business of Rihanna and Chris Brown -- or more precisely, the reaction to it. Like many people, I've been troubled by the response among teenaged girls in particular, a significant proportion of whom seem, judging by blogs and message boards, to sympathize more with the abuser than with his victim. The New York Times offers this discussion of what's behind the reactions. In a nutshell it ranges from the obvious (Chris Brown has more adoring fans) to the inevitable (hip hop is to blame!). Without discounting these explanations as potential factors, I think the article leaves out something very important, a phenomenon that has worried me for a long time:

Women, and particularly girls, hate each other.

OK, let me not over-state the case. Hate is perhaps too strong a word. But there is no doubt in my mind that as a general principle, young women are competitive with each other in an exaggerated and unhealthy way that is fundamentally different from how men compete with one another, or how women and men compete with each other. Gender roles in Western society have somehow led young girls to believe that they are each others' greatest enemies, an attitude that for many persists well into adulthood. The behaviour glibly described as "cattiness" does not have a precise male analogue. While individual men might vie with each other over individual goals, in my experience they do not objectify each other as rivals without any obvious cause. So what's up with this?

I've given some thought to it, and I think there are a number of issues at play. First, society overwhelmingly tells us that men are natural philanderers; monogamy is against their nature. Their primordial aim is to spread their seed as far and wide as possible. Women, by contrast, are supposedly "nesters", biologically pre-disposed to monogamy as a more secure way of raising their young. Thus, while men have to overcome potential rivals to attract a mate, once they are in a relationship, they probably feel safer (note that I said safeER, not completely safe) about their partner's fidelity than women generally do. Women, by contrast, are taught to expect abandonment in favour of a younger, more attractive specimen. We are taught that men are bastards, and we shouldn't expect any better.

Second, women are still judged to a large extent by their looks. I'm not going to dwell on this point; there's more than enough talk about it. It's no secret that women are generally far more insecure about their appearance than men. That's an incredibly poisonous state of mind, because you can't do much about your appearance other than show yourself to best advantage. The arbitrariness of the genetic lottery is such that if it didn't leave you lucky, it's pretty hard not to feel bitter about it. And even if you were born cute, you're going to get older, and it will be hard not to feel threatened by younger women.

Third, we are also taught that because women lacked political power historically, they were forced to resort to manipulation, particularly sexual manipulation, to gain position in life. The message is that women are devious and Machiavellian. Men, meanwhile, are just suckers for a foxy lady; we can Lady Macbeth them into all kinds of things. Small wonder we don't trust each other. Just turn on the radio and listen to the number of songs about girls stealing boys from other girls -- obviously this is a real worry for a lot of women. (Off the top of my head, I can only think of two songs about boys stealing girls from boys, and both of them are from the point-of-view of the would-be thief, who feels guilty about it.)

All of this exhausts me. The catty looks in bars, the sneering contempt of older women, the water cooler gossip among female professionals. Ladies, I have a secret: there are plenty of good men out there, nice guys who won't waltz off with the first floozy they find, who won't smack you or treat you like a sportscar or a Rolex. They're out there in droves; we don't have to steamroll over each other to get them, and we don't have to settle for the mouth-breathing troglodytes who don't measure up.

Get with the program, please.