Crapometer update -- now with more crap!

So here's the scoop: my hook was finally snarked, and the response was verbatim what I was expecting.

Here's the original hook:

An orphan. A street urchin. A miserable thief. Kirin might be all of these things, but that doesn’t stop him from believing he was meant to be Someone Important. So when he stumbles upon a magical key that can open any lock in the world, he’s convinced that destiny has found him at last – not to mention a whole pile of riches. But there is more than gold and jewels behind the locked doors of Caras-leith, and when Kirin frees a notorious heretic from a secret prison, he sets off a chain of events that will lead to a rupture in the very fabric of the world. Now all that stands between the kingdom and absolute tyranny is a pair of thieves, a feckless prince, a bounty hunter, an architect, and an old man who can’t seem to stay awake.

And lo, Miss Snark speaketh:

This isn't specific enough to be a good hook. It's the start though.

She's dead right, of course, as I realized last week after reading her critique of about twenty hooks. 514 samples and critiques later, and I have a far better understanding of what makes a good hook -- which was, of course, the object of the exercise. So I revised...

Here's the New and Improved! New and Improved! version:

An orphan. A street urchin. A miserable thief. Kirin might be all of these things, but that doesn’t stop him from believing he was meant to be Someone Important. So when he stumbles upon a magical key that can open any lock in the world, he’s convinced that destiny has found him at last – not to mention a whole pile of riches. With the Skeleton Key in his pocket, Kirin can go anywhere he wants and take anything he fancies, making him a king among thieves. But when a seemingly harmless prison break puts him at the center of a centuries-old conspiracy to take over the world, Kirin learns that being Important isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.

Freed from the dungeons by Kirin's blunder, the notorious heretic Asathuir sets about opening a rift to the mysterious Other Realm, a land where ideas walk as men and Tyranny himself waits for a chance to bring the physical world under his thrall. The pathetic band of allies Kirin has cobbled together won’t be enough. The only force capable of standing in the way is Justice, but unfortunately he’s retired and in no mood for world-saving. He’ll need convincing – and a stiff hit of caffeine. Now all that stands between the kingdom and absolute tyranny is a pair of thieves, a feckless prince, a bounty hunter, an architect, and an old man who can’t seem to stay awake.

A huge shout-out to Miss Snark and all the authors in the blogosphere who participated. They've helped me immensely.